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Part 1 is here, and Part 2 is here.


I’m still listening. Still trying to interpret, understand, etc… Still looking to the future and trying to make decisions. What about school? What about work? What about this/that/these/them/everything that is and isn’t within the bounds of my control???

For the time being, it seems like Dark Child will be homeschooled indefinitely. Aside from that, due to various ~reasons~ now the oldest boy is also being homeschooled again. And let me tell you, trying to convince a teenager to do schoolwork when 1) he has all his actual fun stuff nearby enticing him and 2) his brother doesn’t do the same type of school stuff as him… well, it sucks. It’s a pain in the ass, if I’m being honest.

But message received, I guess.

My obsession with my lack of a (paying) job~

I have to be honest, a large part of why I was keen on putting Dark Child back in public school was to free up my days so that I could try to get a (preferable part-time) job.

With the kids and the pets and the house, schooling and doctor/dentist visits, and everything else to take care of, I don’t particularly want an outside job, I’m not sure how I would even handle an outside job, and my husband has expressed multiple times to me that he doesn’t ever want me to feel pressured work, especially with the amount of stuff I’m already doing.

I should be content to just let things stay as they are, right? I mean, why rock the boat?

My family is incredibly lucky; my husband earns enough at his job to support us on one income. It’s all used up with bills and groceries and school fees, with usually just a bit left over for birthdays and Christmas. For rural West Alabama, supporting a family on a single income is a pretty amazing feat, but it’s a hard job involving a lot of hours and manual labor.

But with the single income, we don’t have much of a buffer. We don’t travel anywhere for vacation (admittedly, with a family full of introverts, this isn’t as bad as some would think). We live in a trailer because it’s cheaper. Our vehicles are each at least fifteen years old. (My much beloved Honda Civic is nearing 250,000 miles.) We don’t have any real savings.

One income is enough to survive on, but I constantly worry. What if a vehicle breaks down beyond repair? What if Ben gets hurt or sick and can’t work? What if I get hurt or sick and Ben has to miss work to take care of the boys? What if one of the boys gets really sick? How will we save for our kids’ college expenses? What if a major appliance craps out on us?

On the other hand, I look at my calendar and all the various appointments I’m having to shuttle the boys to, the random tasks to keep up with, and the thought of trying to keep a job while juggling that, plus all the unexpected sick days, makes me feel nauseated.

So what then? I could always work from home, yeah? That has it’s own issues. I’ll get into it if I ever finish part 4.