When last we discussed Fifty Shades Pilfered, we noticed that…

You know what, I don’t even know. It’s been a while. I apologize for that, I’ve been having some serious health issues. Also some lingering depression and apathy. Between that, the occasionally-debilitating-pain, and the severe exhaustion and fatigue, most days I’ve done well to accomplish the bare necessities. I go for surgery in just a few weeks, so hopefully things will be a lot better.

Also, I started a gofundme page to help defray costs of co-pays and deductibles and such, so if you have a dollar or two to spare, please go check it out. If not, that’s cool, but here’s the link: Kody shamelessly plugs her donation page again. Also, I’ll apologize in advance, I might be pushing this often on facebook and twitter. I don’t want to be an ass, but I’m worried they won’t do the procedure without the deductible upfront. So, sorrynotsorry.

Moving on to CHAPTER TWO!

I’m sure we all agreed last time that Christian is still an ass. That’s pretty much a given, so let’s go with that. When last we discussed Fifty Shades Pilfered, Christian Grey had started pulling this shit:

He leads me into a small, intimate restaurant.
“This place will have to do,” Christian grumbles. “We don’t have much time.”

Okay, so here with have Christian being an ass again, in layers:
1- He chooses the restaurant with no input from Ana, surprise.
2- He automatically assumes that the restaurant will be substandard, that it will “have to do.” Again, surprise.
3- He constructs false urgency. How can they really be on limited time? They are both adults who can stay out late if they want to. Yes, they have to work the next day, but again, adults! It’s not a school night. And I don’t think taking an extra thirty for dinner is going to leave them worthless in the morning. Plus, the only timetable Christian has is something to do with Taylor waiting on him, and he’s never ever worried about inconveniencing Taylor before, so WTF dude? Surprise, surprise. There is no urgency, drama, or tension in these books unless it is contrived.

Also, we have plagiarism, because really guys, still with the “having private conversations in public restaurants” thing. It got old in Twilight. Please, can you drop it already?

Before they even order, there has to be some comment about Christian putting his phone on the table. Who even does that? Dude, you have pockets! And it can’t just be his “phone,” Ana has to specify that it’s his Blackberry, because God forbid we should forget that Christian is a business man and he does important business, and he’s all serious, and he has serious shit to worry about so Ana better stop acting childish and get all serious because Christian is strictly business.

Can I drill that point in any farther? Because if I try, I might strike oil. Which is maybe not a bad idea, all things considered…

Getting back to the Dinner of Doom, Christian of course orders for Ana.

Jeez, don’t I get a choice? Why do you even ask yourself this, you know damned good and well you don’t.
“And if I don’t like steak?” He won’t give a damn, and he’ll expect you to eat it anyways because HE MAN PROVIDE FOOD YOU WOMAN EAT GIVE SEX NO ARGUE.
He sighs. “Don’t start, Anastasia.” No, don’t you start, you dirty ufcker.
“I am not a child, Christian.” The reader might be inclined to disagree at times.
“Well, stop acting like one.” Well, stop being a dick.
It’s as if he’s slapped me. I blink at him. So this is how it will be, an agitated, fraught conversation, albeit in a very romantic setting but certainly no hearts and flowers. This is how it will be, this is how it always was, this is how it always will ever be. You will never cease to walk on eggshells with this man and fear his reactions, but surely it’s okay because he sexes you good. THAT IS THE MESSAGE THAT THIS BOOK GIVES WOMEN.

And then there’s all of this bullshit. Here’s the condensed version:
“You’re upset because of what happened last time. I behaved stupidly, and you . . . So did you. Why didn’t you safe word, Anastasia?” His tone changes, becoming accusatory.

Ana admits she was overwhelmed and forgot, which is really a legit argument from someone who is so new to that scene and should never have been so rapidly placed in that scenario. Then Christian reacts about how we expect him to by this point.

Shit! He’s furious again. My inner goddess glares at me, too. See, you brought all this on yourself!
“How can I trust you?” he says, his voice low. “Ever?”

And I’m all

*I’ve had some problems before getting gifs to work right in the blog, so if these gifs don’t gif, sorry, and I’ll fix them later. Maybe.*

Christian goes on talk about how much he’s been hurting since Ana walked out on him.
“Appearances can be deceptive,” he says quietly. “I’m anything but fine. I feel like the sun has set and not risen for five days, Ana. I’m in perpetual night here.” OH REALLY, EDWARD?
and
“You said you’d never leave, yet the going gets tough and you’re out the door.”
“When did I say I’d never leave?”
“In your sleep. It was the most comforting thing I’d heard in so long, Anastasia. It made me relax.”
So her Bella-esque sleep-talking also carried across to the sequel.

Also, this shit keeps on going: “Eat,” Christian commands.

Let me take this moment to say that I’m so glad I didn’t do any kind of drinking game thing when I started this book, because OMG you guys I can’t hang like that anymore, and truth be told, I don’t have the money to fund that kind of endeavor.

Finally dinner ends, and did anyone else notice there’s all this detail about how he asks for the check, doesn’t look at the bill (OH MY GOD JUST LIKE EDWARD AT LA BELLA ITALIA WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT?!?!?!?), gives the waiter his credit card, but he never actually gets the card back? That seems like kind of an important thing. Just sayin.

Christian has to guilt Ana some more with how absolutely broken he is without her.
“But I’m a selfish man. I’ve wanted you since you fell into my office. You are exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, beguilingly innocent; the list is endless. I am in awe of you. I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my dark soul.” [Anybody else here read the WIP of Midnight Sun? Anybody?] Edward, the essentially selfish creature, just can’t bear letting anyone else have Bella. Ana. Which book? Fuck it…

This line creeps me out, not just for plagiarism ad nauseum, but also, “sleeping forever” kind of equals, um, “dead.” “I could watch you sleep forever, Ana.”

Then Ana of the “I hate to receive gifts” camp gets all swoony because Christian gave her an expensive gift:
I have a Christian Grey mix-tape in the guise of a high-end iPad. Seriously, even though Edward’s gift to Bella was just a CD, it was more impressive because it was actually him playing the music, instead of being all “lol, I’m so rich I can just give you an iPad with all the songs preloaded on it.”

And did anyone else bang their head against the wall at the fact she’s step-by-stepping us through using an iPad? I mean really, if you’ve used an iPad, iPhone, or iPod touch, or even seen one in use, you know how this works. If you have not, these words are meaningless to you.

She goes to sleep listening to this music with her earbuds in, even though her roommate is on vacation. iPads have speakers, don’t they? Those earbuds are not comfy at all, and I’ve gone to many lengths before to avoid using them. So, what the hell, Ana? The only thing I can figure is plagiarism, because Bella made it a point to put her headphones on as to not disturb her dad.

Anyways, end of chapter, whoo freaking hoo!

Guys, I’m going to try to update this more often, okay? I’m sorry for my distracted slacker ways, really I am.