What a lot of people don’t know, but that I’ve been more open about lately, is in addition to my other mental health issues (major depression, anxiety + social anxiety, and now apparently borderline OCD), I also have insomnia and a nightmare disorder.
I have, on average, 4-7 nightmares a week.
It used to be worse, but I spent six months regularly seeing a sleep therapist, so now I can sometimes “rescue” myself from nightmares. But it doesn’t always work.
The not-so-funny spiral is that when I am extremely exhausted, the insomnia gets worse, and the nightmares become more frequent and vivid. So then I’m even more exhausted, rinse and repeat…
Last night, for example, I fell asleep around 10:30 – 11:00 p.m. I briefly woke up around 12:30 for no discernible reason. Fell back asleep within ten minutes. Then I had a nightmare that it was the zombie apocalypse (this is a recurring theme for me), and by the end I was being attacked by zombies while being shot by some random assholes. Also the clutch in my car (in the dream) burned out and I spent almost the entire dream being pissed about it.
I woke from this nightmare at about 2:15 a.m. I finally fell back asleep sometime after 4:45. Our alarm clocks started going off at 5:15. I resisted getting up until six, and was behind enough that the kids nearly missed the school bus.
Since I was running on about four hours of pretty interrupted sleep, my husband suggested I try to take a nap this morning. So I tried.
I spent a good hour laying there before I finally fell asleep. Then I dropped right back into nightmare town. This time I was back in high school, but school was set up like a Mario level from hell. I finally hit the flagpole (which was literally the flagpole in front of the school), and was immediately attacked by a random dog that went straight for my throat. It was an abrupt awakening.
…this is my normal.
This is the stuff I don’t say when someone looks at me and says, “you look tired.”
I’m so glad I found this post I can definitely relate to it. I completely understand the feeling of people telling you that you look tired it makes things more exhausting when you realise they just don’t understand how you feel. I really enjoyed reading your blog so I have followed you!