I’m not even sure what I’m doing right now, I started working on this chapter three or four months ago, and I’m finally able to look at it again. Let’s just do this thing. (And if you’re still here, thank you for your patience..)

Okay, the chapter begins and they are still in the shower. Christian is all “baby I luvs you” and Ana’s like “wut no way!”

And I know in this moment that my heart is big enough for both of us. I hope it’s big enough for both of us.

This statement seems…. out of order? Shouldn’t she become more resolved in her beliefs, not less so?

Things start to get steamy in the shower…

No, I mean more like a steaming pile of shit. They talk about wanting each other, but nope, not gonna fuck in the shower. Nope, not gonna just run to the bedroom. No, we get nearly two pages of them drying each other off, and the actual sex this time is the fade-to-black type. (Which, after reading a good bit of these books is something of a blessing.)

He trails his fingers up and down my spine as we gaze at each other, basking in our postcoital bliss, replete.

I’m sorry? Were you using the medical thesaurus here? Although I could be wrong, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of sex referred to as “coitus” in a romance before. But this is also the book of “down there,” so…

They talk about his childhood a bit, she asks about his dad, he eventually shuts the conversation down. And to be honest, I can’t blame him. Ana knows that he’s very evasive when it comes to talking about his birth mother, but she just can’t help but ask him about it whenever she gets the whim.

I marvel how quickly he turns—mercurial as ever.

Edward’s back.

Christian drags a large, cream, cable-knit sweater out of his bag and drapes it artfully over his shoulders. With his white T-shirt and jeans, his artfully rumpled hair, and now this, he looks as if he’s stepped out of the pages of a high-end glossy magazine.

Like I said, Edward’s back, in the exact same outfit he wore to go hiking with Bella.

There’s a half-page section basically devoted to letting us know that Christian is giddy, he has a surprise for Ana, and he overtips the valet, of which Ana disapproves. Why is this even…

On the way to whatever this surprise is, CG stops at a Saab dealership to buy Ana a new car, realizing that maybe putting his girlfriend in the same make/model of car he’s always bought for his subs is possibly not the best idea he’s had as a boyfriend. Since Ana’s Audi is trashed, it’s the perfect opportunity to fix this. It’s a whole car-buying Saab story!

…sorry. Moving on.

Troy Turniansky, the salesman, is all over Fifty like a cheap suit. He can smell a sale. Weirdly his accent sounds mid-Atlantic, maybe British? It’s difficult to tell.

Why?
No seriously, why?
Why do we need this man’s first and last names?
Why does she remark, “he can smell a sale;” did you guys stop at the dealership just to use the bathroom?
Why the attention to the accent? Why are we getting the beginnings of a back story for a disposable character?
Why do I not have any vodka? Shit.

And guys, the car buying scene reads so much like an overprotective dad buying a sweet sixteen gift for his baby girl, that I kinda want to vomit.

Safety stats are bounced back and forth like a volleyball. Reminds me of Edward buying Bella a tank-proof car, but not quite as impressive.

Also in regards to the car, CG asks if it’s “top of the range.” Not “top of the line?” Is this another of those lost in translation moments?

Christian gives ol’ Troy his credit card to pay for the new car. (Is that a thing? Can you just buy a car with a credit card? I mean, I guess, if you have a high enough limit. Can you? I sure as hell don’t know.)

“If you’ll come this way, Mr.”—Troy glances at the name on the card—“Grey.”

NOPE. Nope, I refuse to buy that line of bullshit. The first book spent so much time setting up how fucking important Grey was, and how enamored everyone was of his success and money. I refuse to believe this dude had no clue who he was talking with.

Whatever, they finally leave the dealership.

“Are you hungry? You didn’t finish all your breakfast.” He glances quickly at me, disapproval outlined on his face.

Again.

It’s another beautiful day in Seattle. It’s been uncharacteristically fine for the last few weeks, I muse.

Ya’ll! Even the rain in Seattle caters to Christian Grey’s whims.

“We’ll eat here. I’ll open your door,” he says in such a way that I know it’s not wise to move, and I watch him move around the car. Will this ever get old?

Boy I tell you what, that’s some God-damned chivalry right there.

Whatever; they are now at a marina, sitting down to lunch at a bar. In a strange turn of events, CG is going to let Ana order for herself, so she opts for “whatever he’s having.” So many sighs.

They seem to have a normal meal where they talk about normal stuff, like you would when you just started dating someone, so of course this lasts less than half a page.

Also, Edward interrogates Bella:

In turn, he plagues me with questions about Ray and my mom, about growing up in the lush forests of Montesano, and my brief stints in Texas and Vegas. He demands to know my favorite books and films, and I’m surprised by how much we have in common.

Of course, the reason they are at the marina is so Christian can show her the boat he obviously owns. She is *appropriately* impressed.

I know nothing about boats, but I can tell this one is special.

Okay, first, if you know nothing about boats, then no, you don’t know that this one is special. You only think that because it belongs to Christian “I own everything” Grey.

Second, you specifically call it a catamaran when you first see it. So you clearly know something about boats.

And apparently this thing was built by Grey Holdings Something Something DLC SMD… what even is this company?

Anyways, we get to meet another throwaway character:

“Call me Mac,” he says warmly, and I can’t place his accent.

Ana, what is it with you and accents? Come on down to the Southeast honey, we’ll get you good and confused.

Obligatory tour of the boat; everything is the best of the best, crème de la crème, top of the… range?

The floor is the same pale wood. It looks modern and sleek and has a light, airy feel…
…It has a king-size cabin bed and is all pale blue linen and pale wood like his bedroom at Escala. Christian obviously chooses a theme and sticks to it.

He’s been using Esme Cullen as his decorator again.

There’s a sailing scene, and then a sex scene to end the chapter, because reasons. But also this:

“Do you have any idea how exquisite your scent is, Ana? It’s irresistible.”

 

Chapter 9 Plagiarism points: 7.

Just a note: at first I wasn’t counting each instance of characterization thievery as a separate plagiarism point, but the book has gotten so ham-handed at describing Ana as Bella and Christian as Edward, that I have decided to count it each time.

All book quotes are from Fifty Shades Darker by EL James unless otherwise noted.