A thing that really sucked today is that when I woke up, the sinus plague that I had caught from my children was in full effect. So I’ve spent the whole day with a sore, itchy throat, sinus pain and pressure, and a leaky face. That on top of the med withdrawal.
So last night, as I previously mentioned, I had a thing to go to. It was the yearly dinner my husband’s workplace does. We went, ate, hung out, had fun, I had a few drinks, all was well. It was a good time.
Today, the withdrawal really started to kick in, and for a while I couldn’t stop the shakes. My hands were shaking, arms were shaking, teeth were chattering at times, pretty much my whole body was affected. Now that we’re a little later in the day, the shakes have settled down to a much more manageable slight tremor.
That’s one of the big downers about taking an SSRI or SNRI; they directly effect the chemical balance in your brain (obviously, that’s why we take them), so when you stop, your brain has to recalibrate to its own version of normal. Even though there’s typically no buzz, no high from taking these meds, there’s still a withdrawal period because of how they work.
I haven’t been off the meds long enough to see how my mood is again changed, but I noticed today that in some ways the fog is lifting. Instead of sitting down and actively trying to come up with a few things to do, I’ve had a lot of random ideas just pop up about things I want to do. And the desire to do those things is increasing.
In a few days, I’m going to talk about how anti-depressants effect me, in terms of mood, productivity, and creativity, but I need a little bit of time to put my thoughts together.
akaKody 
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I spent so many years in that fog. It’s almost indescribable to people who’ve never experienced it. It’s like someone flipped a switch in my brain that allows me to see colors, experience joy & creativity. I go from being completely incapable to seeing a promising world of possibilities and a million things to live for. That’s what people most misunderstand about severe clinical depression. It’s not that we don’t love our spouse, children, and families. We just can’t feel anything except fear that it will last forever and physical/psychological pain while living what feels like a meaningless interminable existence in a grey uninteresting world, completely unmotivated to do, see, or experience anything. All this with no recourse. I wish life were as simple as some think, that instead of being depressed, weer could just “convince” ourselves otherwise. People saying things like “get over it, you’ve got stuff to do, just exercise and you’ll be better, you just have a vitamin deficiency, just smile, quit trying to play the martyr, everyone has problems, you think you’re special, you don’t want to do those things, otherwise you would, you’re the most depressing person I know, why don’t you just decide to be happy…” is all completely irrelevant to our reality. Completely. But when that switch comes on and I can be me again, that is the most exquisite and joyfully sad moment of my life…every time. I mourn the lost years I’ve had each time between being slightly functional. I grieve missing out on the important life events I attended, but wasn’t able to really experience. Due to the physiological and psychological pain, what should have been the best moments of my life are completely blocked out of my memory. Not to mention all the things, as a mother, that are so important to me to be able to do with and for my son…all opportunities permanently list to time as surely as if I had died. The only thing that really keeps me alive with S.C.D. is the hope that someday I’ll find relief, a permanent solution, or that in the amount of time my switch is turned on (even if only a few months in the whole of my lifetime) that I might bring some joy, love, and happiness to my son. So that he might know certainly that I love him. That even when I’m hopeless, he’s worth it all. I hope your journey is blessed. I hope you have more peace than heartache. I hope your life is on far more than off. Is there a specific reason you’re stopping the particular med you’re on now? I wonder if you plan to go back on it or another after you reach your natural level. Coming off meds, I sometimes feel a temporary surge of giddiness, happiness, excitement for life again since so many anti-depressants have a detrimental effect on particular characteristics. For me, that’s always a very temporary side effect of the withdrawal. So, I think I left comments, questions, opinions, and “what have you!” Lol. I’m a writer whether I will or no. ❤
I will have a post, probably some time this week, maybe early next week, that dives into the why and wherefore of quitting medication, it’s just going to take me some time to get it all written out in a way that will make sense.
But yeah, that felling of being wrapped up in a fog, of being physically there, but not really mentally or emotionally present… I hate it.
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