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(50shades of Theft, Ch 1)

OMG YOU GUYZ!! I had the best idea ever just now.

I was trying to figure out how to follow through with my 50shades of Theft promise without, you know, plucking out my eyes. And this idea, this wonderful idea, just popped into my brain. My muse, it spoke to me. (It’s about damned time…)


That’s right! I’m going to turn it into a game. But you have to keep your own score, and for your prize, enjoy this animation of me with writer’s block:


So, here’s how it works: at least once each blog post, I’m going to throw in a round of “NAME THAT NARRATOR!” You can probably already guess where this is going, but I’ll tell you anyways. I will do one of two things. I will insert one direct quote from either the Twilight saga or 50shades, and you have to decide: was it Bella, or was it Ana? OR I will insert direct quotes from BOTH of these series, and you have to decide which quote is from which narrator. NO CHEATING!!! Don’t look in the books, don’t Google it, etc… NO CHEATING.

No cheating…

Alright, let’s do this thing! First I will focus on character descriptions and setting.

Immediately in this book, we learn that Ana is pale and tends to blush easily. She has unmanageable brown hair, as well as a habit of going to bed with her hair damp. Which I’m sure has nothing to do with the fact that Bella never takes the time to let her hair dry. (And every time in Twilight that Bella goes to bed with damp hair, I hear my mother’s voice ringing in my head, “Don’t lie down with wet hair! You’ll get pneumonia!!” and I cringe a little.) But Ana has blue eyes, not brown, so she’s totally not Bella Swan.

When she goes to meet Mr. Grey for the first time, she’s wearing a blue sweater (because Edward loves the way Bella looks in blue) as well as her “one and only skirt,” because we learned countless times in Twilight that Bella only owns the one khaki skirt, at least until Alice starts updating her wardrobe. In fact, Ana’s outfit for going to meet Christian for the first time sounds exactly like Bella’s outfit for going to meet Edward’s family for the first time.

In the beginning Ana lives in Vancouver, Washington, so you know, at least it’s not Forks. And she has to drive to Seattle for the first Grey encounter. But for some reason she drives to Portland to get to Seattle? Because we can all go north by driving south, if we just go far enough.

Oh, and Ana’s vintage VW probably wasn’t at all influenced by Bella’s vintage Chevy.

So when Ana first walks into Grey’s office, she trips over her own two feet and goes flying headfirst towards the floor. Because it’s not like Bella ever tripped over her own feet and fell into her desk, or other students, or managed to even trip over invisible cracks in the floor at any given opportunity. (Sigh.)

So before we meet Christian, let’s look at the circumstances of why Ana/Bella is in Seattle/Portland/Forks. Sporks? Awesome, let’s go with Sporks. So Bella’s mom remarried, and Bella didn’t want to be a burden, so she goes to live with her dad in Washington. Basics: she is heading towards an unwanted location because of circumstances that are ultimately out of her control. And Ana is going to Sporks because her roomie is sick and begs Ana to go in her place for some major interview. Basics: she is heading towards an unwanted location because of circumstances that are ultimately out of her control. Both Ana and Bella take to the journey with similar amounts of angst and despair.

So, Christian: “He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark-copper-colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.”

To quote Jenny Trout, “That… is one hell of a tie.” And then @Scarimonious gifted Jenny with this awesome pic of said tie, and I absolutely must show you guys this tie. OMG this tie.

But back on topic; let’s assume that the description was of Christian, and not just his amazing tie. So, clearly Christian is supposed to look different than Edward, because Christian has “unruly dark-copper-colored hair,” but Edward has “untidy bronze-colored hair.” That’s not the same thing at all. True, Edward doesn’t have grey eyes, but do you know who does? Robert Pattinson.

"I look like who?"

“I look like who?”

And of course, Christian is an unrealistically wealthy mogul even though he’s only in his twenties, but it’s not because he’s trying to keep up with the hundred-plus year old Edward, who was pretty rich himself.

Aaaaannnnnndd, I think I’m done for the moment. It is my hope/plan to make it through 3-5 chapters of comparisions at a time. This time I barely made it through chapter 1, because damnation, I really didn’t expect to find that much to talk about in one chapter, but there it is.

So now it’s time for NAME THAT NARRATOR!

Quote 1:
“A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail.”

Quote 2:
“My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.”

Tune in next time for the answer.

Closing Notes:

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*