I thought of Ana, and I thought of this, and now I cannot unthink it: Peter Griffin is ANNA.

So I had talked a lot of talk about covering a few chapters of 50shades at a time. I don’t know if that’s going to work, based on everything I’m getting out of single chapters. We’ll see… Also it’s taking me longer to read and comment on these chapters than I really thought it would.

Full disclosure: I have dyslexia. Usually this is not a problem. In most books I can read about half of a sentence, maybe a little more, and figure out its logical conclusion, because normally a sentence can only go so many places and still make sense. But this book… This book is fucking with my dyslexia so much.

Sentences and phrases like, “discreetly eating my bagel” (how does one discreetly eat something with the same circumference as a softball..?) and “from a very tiny, underused part of my brain – probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata where my subconscious dwells.” That, that just…. I think there are a lot of underused parts of her brain, and it’s making mine scream. (Or as my yet to be introduced friend Bug just said, “this is the English major who forgets words mean things.”)

Okay, well the bad news is that I actually have to read this stuff. God help me. The good news is that I have this awesome friend, Bug, who has volunteered to read it along with me. I didn’t want to do this to my friend. I warned her. But she volunteered. So let me introduce you to Bug:

She’s on twitter, you can follow her @BexlyP (You can follow me, too @aka_kody ) And yes, I will always call her Bug. Deal with it.

When we started along our dark journey, we had similar reactions:

And then when I got to the part where she helps him purchase his torture kit, and only after that she admits to herself how much she likes him. I was all like:

Okay, so about the points I’m going to be making:

Let me first ask that you bear with me on some of these points. I think that maybe, to some people, some of this stuff might be a stretch. However, about a year and a half ago, I did a ten page critical analysis in which I argued that the characterization of Bella in Twilight is based upon John Milton’s depiction of Eve in Paradise Lost. At first I was just a fan of the world of Twilight, the mythology that Meyer created, etc… After that paper, I know Twilight. I mean, I know that shit. I don’t have the board games, or the action figures, or any of that. In fact, I only have the books, the movies, and one small Twi-themed pewter bracelet that my mother-in-law gave me for Christmas several years ago. But after analyzing and dissecting Twilight, I imagine I could go toe-to-toe with any Twihard out there and come out victorious. (That’s not a challenge, by the way, I’ve got enough on my plate already.)

Incidentally, I got an A on that paper.

Anyways, because I know the Twilight books now –know the scenes, the settings, the characters- let me explain how I’m going about things here. I’m just reading the 50 shades chapters and every time a line, phrase, description, what-have-you goes *ping* in my brain, I’m earmarking it. After I’m done with the chapter, I will come back to my notes and explain exactly how/why I think this was plagiarized.

As Bug reads along, she’s sending me her thoughts as well. I’m sorry, but I can’t always distinguish her thoughts from my own. Not because I don’t want to give her any credit, but because, if you couldn’t tell by the texts, our thoughts are usually pretty much the same. It’s really fucking rare that we disagree on something.

NAME THAT NARRATOR answers:

“A quick glance in the mirror told me my hair was entirely impossible, so I pulled it back into a ponytail.” –Bella Swan, Twilight

“My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.” –Ana Steele, 50 Shades of Grey

Parting comments as I get ready to compose my reaction to Chapter 2:

How would one come to the conclusion that he would need coveralls because he might manage to ruin his clothing with zip ties, tape, and rope? He told you he’s not redecorating, and you didn’t sell him any paint, chemicals, etc… I mean, I get that she’s not a DIY person, because she tells us this about thirty times, but damn girl? “Oh shit, I just brushed this zip tie across my jeans. Guess I’ll have to throw these pants out now.” And I get that the writer is trying to insinuate that Ana might be thinking of Christian without clothes, and wants Christian to be able to hint at this. But, you know, subtlety. It exists.

Finally, how is a guy slinging a plastic bag over his shoulder supposed to be sexy? I just don’t. Don’t see it. Sorry.

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Closing Notes:

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*