So in this installment of 50shades of Theft, I’m going to make you seriously wonder how E.L. James has not yet been sued, seeing as how she literally copy/pasted the dialogue between Bella and Jess the day after the assault that almost was.

First order of business, NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! answers:

“He notices my dizziness and grabs me before I fall and hoists me into his arms, holding me close to his chest like a child.” – Ana Steele, Fifty Shades of Grey

“He leans forward and reaches out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I was a toddler.” – Bella Swan, Twilight

“I’m finding it impossible to stay away.” – Christian Grey, Fifty Shades of Grey

“I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.” – Edward Cullen, Twilight

Do you know what’s really wearing me down in this book? The damned “coincidentals.” There are countless instances where something in Fifty Shades of Grey is insanely similar to something in Twilight. And you know what, I get that sometimes things that seem suspicious can actually be completely coincidental. But when this keeps happening page after page, chapter after chapter, at some point you have to call it what it is. It is plagiarism. That’s why we’re here.

Chapter 6

Okay, so they’ve finally left Christian’s hotel room after the orange juice commercial. First there’s this problem: Christian drives an Audi. Why does he drive an Audi? Because it’s the closest thing James could think of to a Volvo without saying “Volvo.” Why is this a problem to me? Well, Edward drives a Volvo because his family tries to blend in. Sure, everyone knows Carlisle is a doctor, but they might get some strange looks if the teens start driving their damned Aston Martins to school. However, Christian driving an Audi makes as much fucking sense as me driving a tank to go check the mail.

Everyone in the world knows he’s the richest dick out there. And I don’t want to hear any shit about, “maybe he just doesn’t want to waste his money/flaunt his wealth.” All he does is flaunt his wealth. He regularly travels by helicopter just because he can. (Literally, that’s the reason that he gives Ana for using the helicopter.) But whatever. So they get in his Audi and listen to some classical music, again because they don’t know how to stop being Edward and Bella and this is some of the fucking “coincidentals” shit I was talking about…

Then there’s this:

Bella’s real name is Isabella, but she prefers Bella. Ana’s real name is Anastasia, but she prefers Ana. That’s fine, that’s all well and good, lots of people use nicknames. But the fact that Christian insists upon calling her “Anastasia” after she explicitly asks him not to pisses me off beyond all reason. I mean, you don’t control her name, you asshole.

NAME THAT NARRATOR!!!

Quote 1:
“He tucks a stray strand of my hair that has worked its way free from my ponytail behind my ear.”

Quote 2:
“He pauses to catch a stray lock of hair that is escaping the twist on my neck and winds it back into place.”

Next would come the copy/paste dialogue, but I’m saving that until the end because if I work on it now, I will walk away from my computer in disgust again and never finish this damned post.

[So, in lieu, here’s a word from our friendly neighborhood Bug:

“I also have the José issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell. He’s also called home twice.”

BITCH WHO HAS A LAND LINE IN COLLEGE?]

So, should I even comment on how this is the same as Jacob calling over and over to apologize after he told Bella he would rather see her die than become a vampire..? No, okay I’ll keep it to myself then.

Just a few things more things: the immediate electrical tingle when they ride the elevator up to the helicopter is too reminiscent of the strange sensation Bella and Edward endure during the movie in Biology class. When Christian straps Ana into the harness in the helicopter, it’s the same as when Edward is strapping Bella into the harness of Emmet’s Jeep. You see, you see this? It’s this shit that’s just dragging me down, and so many people are like, “it’s not plagiarized, what are you talking about?”

Finally, we get to see Christian’s apartment. I guess he hired the same decorators as Esme Cullen, because the place is rife with white decor and it’s open and airy with an outer wall made of glass that faces a beautiful vista.

And then guess what she sees next? “Oh yes… he probably plays the piano too.” You know what, Ana, I fucking bet he does.

See also: “Is there anything you can’t do well?” = “Edward can do everything, right?”

Okay, now this part, I can’t even use for NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! because it is another one of those things that just pisses me off so much. I just want to scream FUCKER FUCKING FUCK but I can’t because small children are present and they might hear that and repeat it and then, well, fuck.

This… this shit. OMG you guys. If I hadn’t already started back smoking, this would have driven me to it.

Fifty Shades of Grey:
(Ana and Kate talking, the morning after the almost assault/rescue)

~”So did you?” Kate asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning curiosity evident in her voice.
“No,” I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apartment. “You obviously did, though.”
…..
[Ana:] “Christian is taking me to Seattle this evening.”
“Seattle?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe you will then?”
“Oh I hope so.”
“You like him then?”
“Yes.”
“Like him enough to…?”
“Yes.”
She raises her eyebrows.
“Wow. Ana Steele, finally falling for a man, and it’s Christian Grey – hot, sexy billionaire.”~

Twilight:
(Bella and Jess, the morning after the almost assault/rescue)

~[Jess:] “So are you going out again?”
“He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he doesn’t think my truck is up to it – does that count?”
“Yes.” She nodded.
“Well, then, yes.”
“W-o-w.” She exaggerated the word into three syllables. “Edward Cullen.”
“I know,” I agreed. “Wow” didn’t even cover it.
“Wait!” Her hands flew up, palms toward me like she was stopping traffic. “Has he kissed you?”
“No,” I mumbled. “It’s not like that.”
……
[Jess:] “So you like him, then?”
“Yes,” I said curtly.
“I mean, do you *really* like him?” she urged.
“Yes,” I said again, blushing… ~

Okay, is it just me? Am I imagining this? Seriously, please leave me comments, tweet me, whatever, but is this not the same damned dialogue?

__________________________
Closing Notes:

Follow us on twitter @aka_kody @BexlyP

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*