I wasn’t planning to go up with a new post so soon, but I am so pissed off right now. This is by no means a promise of speedy posts in the future.
Previous NAME THAT NARRATOR! answers:
Quote 1:
“When he touches me, it stings my hand as if an electrical current is passing through us.”
-Bella Swan, Twilight
Quote 2:
“Our fingers brush very briefly, and the current is there again, zapping through me like I’ve touched an exposed wire.”
-Ana Steele, Fifty Shades of Grey
This, this is why I am so pissed: Chapter 4, or as I like to call it
For this chapter, I don’t even have to quote the book. Edward tries to warn Bella that he’s no good for her, but she’s still intrigued by him. Later, while Bella is in Port Angeles with friends, she gets separated and is nearly assaulted by a group of strangers. To her surprise and relief, Edward arrives just in time to save the day. She insists on going back to meet her friends so that they don’t worry. Edward wants her to eat something, and instructs her to drink some soda so that she doesn’t go into shock (I’m not sure if soda prevents shock..). After dinner, he takes her back home.
Oh, shit. I’m sorry, most of that happened in Chapter 8 of Twilight. In Chapter 4 of 50shades, Christian warns Ana that he’s no good for her, but she’s still intrigued by him. Later, Ana heads to the club with some friends to celebrate the end of finals. Once good and drunk, she goes outside alone to get some air and is nearly assaulted by her friend José (flip: it’s a close friend rather than total strangers). Christian, whom she had called earlier and whom she knew was on his way, arrives in time to stare down José and watch Ana get violently ill, much to her dismay (flip: she knew he was coming, and she didn’t want him there). After she’s done upchucking in the roses, Ana insists upon going inside to tell Kate what’s up so that she won’t worry. Christian forces Ana to chug a glass of water (why, I’m not sure, but it seems like a bad fucking idea seeing as how much she just threw up). Ana blacks out when they are about to leave.
So there you have it. It’s the same fucking thing. RAEG!!!!!!
Aside from all of that, there’s this problem: how does a girl who claims to have never before gotten drunk throw down at least one glass of champagne, five margaritas, and a beer, and still walk? I call shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!!! Granted, she does end up puking it all up, but still. No freaking way she could hold that much liquor and be coherent if this were her first heavy drinking experience.
This is what really happens after the fifth margarita.
NAME THAT NARRATOR!
Quote 1:
“He notices my dizziness and grabs me before I fall and hoists me into his arms, holding me close to his chest like a child.”
Quote 2:
“He leans forward and reaches out with his long arms to pick me up, gripping the tops of my arms like I was a toddler.”
So next is Chapter 5, also known as the chapter where Ana thinks “Oh no” every five seconds.
Nothing to do with plagiarism, but holy shit you guys, this: “The orange juice tastes divine. It’s thirst quenching and refreshing. Nothing beats freshly squeezed orange juice for reviving an arid mouth.”
1) You just woke up in a near-stranger’s bed after blacking out, and you are waxing poetic about the orange juice?
2) When I wake up from a bender, I can’t taste a damned thing except regret and bile. But EL, I’m sure the orange growers of America thank you for the shout-out.
Orange juice? I hate it.
Okay, moving on, there’s a little banter where Ana tells Christian that he talks like a medieval person, but duh! he has to be just like Edward in all things not sexual. And they banter some more, and Christian has to remind Ana to breathe, because Bella is always getting dazzled by Edward and forgetting to breathe, and please for the love of God can these characters figure out how to not be Bella and Edward???
The eating thing… Let me go ahead and get this out of the way. In Twilight, Edward is a vampire, so he kind of doesn’t eat human food. You know, ever. Bella pretty much forgets everything (like how to breathe…) when she’s with Edward, so he makes it a point to remind her to eat. He wants to show that he’s considerate and he understands that she has needs different than his own, so on and so forth. Christian is constantly telling/forcing Ana to eat because he’s a fucking control freak. He even admits that he always wants to be in control.
Eat! You must eat!!!
You know what would be nice, kind, and loving of a boyfriend/husband? Here’s an example:
My husband: Hey, do you want something to eat?
Me: No thanks, I’m good.
My husband: Okay.
OR:
My husband: Hey, do you want something to eat?
Me: Sure, can you bring me a snack?
My husband: Okay.
But because Edward is obsessed with making sure Bella eats, so must Christian be.
Now, a note from Bug that’s not about plagiarism, but about this crazy shit in general:
“‘…he’s not a dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor – a classic, romantic hero – Sir Gawain or Lancelot.’
NO YOU STUPID BITCH HE’S A CONTROLLING STALKING ASSHOLE YOU JUST SAID SO YOURSELF”
And here’s my take on that same scene:
OMG and this also has nothing to do with plagiarism, but Bug and I had this conversation and I can’t keep it to myself:
Bug: “..he arches an eyebrow at me, his eyes twinkling, and suddenly I feel that we’re talking about something else, but I don’t know what it is…”
OMG he used the Confundus Charm on you!
Kody: I can’t even make sounds I’m laughing so hard
B: HE’S A DARK WIZARD, ANA, LOOK OUT!
K: Shit!
B: I’m sorry I even mixed Harry Potter into this mess.
K: Oh ma belly
No more laughs
B: Although I must admit, if he can cast non-verbal spells and charms, that makes him better at magic than Harry for like 90% of those books. WHOA.
K: Don’t go there man. Don’t do that.
He uses a wand…
B: Dicks don’t count!
Okay, moving back to the plagiarism… Christian talks some more about ‘I’m no good for you but I can’t help but be drawn to you’ crap.
Oh, oh!! NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! Part 2: Edward vs. Christian
Quote 1:
“I’m finding it impossible to stay away.”
Quote 2:
“I’m tired of trying to stay away from you.”
Okay, this line: “I gasp and swallow at the same time.” Please, Ana? Please do that? I’m sure it will work out really great for you if you actually gasp and swallow at the same time.
…..more chapter
…..more chapter
…..how can breakfast take up a whole fucking chapter?!?
I have to assume the “I’ve never slept with someone” bit about Christian is the closest James could get to the “I can’t sleep” bit from Edward.
Then they kiss in the elevator. Bug thought it was kinda hot. I wasn’t impressed, but to each her own.
Parting comments:
My friends, I’m a writing tutor. I get paid to help people become better writers. I cannot believe that I have locked myself into reading this book.
__________________________
Closing Notes:
If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.
If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.
You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.
If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*
akaKody 
Excellent article! While going over these books, I’ve literally slapped my forehead so many times I think I need Botox to stop feeling pain.
I love that you’re doing these comparisons! I’m always amazed that people even bother trying to deny how similar they are.
Re: the scene at the bar, after graduation: I didn’t get the impression Jose was attempting to molest Ana – just kiss her; and (I might be misremembering this) it seemed to me it didn’t become a “rape” situation until Christian told her that was what would have happened if he hadn’t show up.
Also – Ana didn’t know Christian was on his way. She drunk dialed him, but refused to tell him where she was. He lojacked her phone….which I think would make it more like Edward hearing the would-bes.
I just took it as her knowing he was on the way because he did the whole “I’m coming to get you.” bit.
Yes – he said that….but she never tells him where she is. So either he’s psychic or he’s tracing her phone (which he admits to later) ; )
You seem to have missed my absolute favourite scene of plagerism – the one in the garage, following Ana’s rescue from the cyclist.incident, where Ana assumes the fetal position, crying her eyes out because Christian didn’t kiss her.
I didn’t even want to bring that scene up. That was just sad, and not as in “emotionally stirring.”
The saddest thing about it was the “authour’s” failure to edit. It was included because it had been a very emotional scene in New Moon; but inclding it where James does – having a 21 year old Ana go to pieces when a man she has seen (not dated) all of 3 times doesn’t kiss her – simply made Ana seem even more immature and shallow (Not to mention trivializing Bella’s heartbreak.) – which actually plays to the accusations of abuse. : /
Yes to plagiarism. No to ‘trivializing Bella’s heartbreak’. Bella’s reaction is almost as ridiculous as Ana’s. She drops to the ground and curls up into the fetal position in the woods and stays there past sunset in a catatonic state of emo woe, causing search parties to be sent out after her, because her boyfriend of A FEW MONTHS broke up with her and moved away. This is not a healthy, appropriate or normal response, and certainly not one the heroine of a series should be showing teen girls who’ll emulate her. (And don’t even get me started on the melodramatic suicidal behavior. At least E L James didn’t make Ana jump off cliffs or actively attempt to get raped after she and Christian call it quits at the end of book 1).
Took me 20 minutes to move past the mouse/gerbil/hamster CUTENESS cause I was laughing so hard. Then to run into your conversation with Bug. PRICELESS. Then I had to leave my computer desk when you threw up Hide ya Kids Hide ya WIfe man. I am DONE..but Imma keep reading. Thanking Jenny for linking you on her blog. I have another new best friend who doesn’t know me from Adam but I love what she writes. (No I’m not a stalker) Keep up the good work. Thank you!