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So Chapters 7 & 8 of Fifty Shades of Grey, or as I like to call them, “The Big Reveal” and “The Most Boring Sex Scene That I Have Ever Read,” don’t have a whole lot of plagiarism in them, because, if you remember, Edward and Bella actually didn’t do it until after they were married. Even so, there is still some there.

But first, previous NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! answers:

Quote 1:
“He tucks a stray strand of my hair that has worked its way free from my ponytail behind my ear.” – Ana Steele, Fifty Shades of Grey

Quote 2:
“He pauses to catch a stray lock of hair that is escaping the twist on my neck and winds it back into place.” – Bella Swan, Twilight

So the first thing I noticed when reading Chapter 7 is the fact that it is “The Big Reveal.” How, you wonder, could this be plagiarism at all? Edward didn’t have a Red Room of Pain to show to Bella. Let’s look at the timeline, shall we… Twilight: Edward saves Bella from her would be attackers, on the next “date” they hike to the meadow (which was originally supposed to be a trip to Seattle, but sunshine), and then Edward gets “The Big Reveal” where he lets Bella see his true nature, all sparkly dazzle and super speed, super strength, and so on.

So I really feel like ELJ has a Twilight timeline hanging from her wall showing her what has to happen next. Christian saves Ana from José’s unwanted advances, on the next “date” they fly to Seattle, and then Christian gets “The Big Reveal” where he lets Ana see his true nature, all whips and chains, red leather and canes, and so on. It doesn’t matter that Red Room of Pain does not equal sparkly vampire. The point is that Edward, and by default Christian, had to have “The Big Reveal.” And of course it’s just coincidence that they happen at sequentially the same time.

And then this in the RRoP: “There is a large wooden cross like an X fastened to the wall facing the door. It’s made of high-polished mahogany,” and like everything else in the room, it’s all shackles and chains, blah blah blah. Christian Grey makes bondage sound boring, you guys.

Just sayin...

Just sayin…

So for Chapter 8, which really is the most boring sex scene I’ve ever read, I will gift you with the Bug/Kody commentary, but first:

NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! Edward vs. Christian (because Christian still can’t stop being Edward….)

Quote 1:
“I prefer brunettes.”

Quote 2:
“I like brunettes.”

This is me trying to make it through this sex scene.

This is me trying to make it through this sex scene.

Kody: “He steps out of his Converse shoes”

Bug: IDGAF what brand of shoes he’s stepping out of, as they are now irrelevant.

K: “He’s so freaking hot.”
I LOLed here too
This is the first sex scene and I’m never gonna get thru it if I can’t stop laughing

B: Just don’t imagine her with an eye patch like I did.
Wait shit, now you will. Sorry.


K: Backside behind backside behind…. For the love all Romance, just say ass

B: No kidding. Or even rump just to break up the monotony


K: “I am so wet.”
I’m just not gonna make it thru this


K: “Two orgasms… coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.”
She has a fucking amazing washing machine.

B: I know right! I’m going to have to start importing my appliances.

K: Round 2: “You’re so wet, so quickly.” Um, you *just* had sex….


B: That happens a couple of times. No shit she’s wet. I think this guy thinks her body just shuts completely down after he’s done with it.


B: You know, I’m not super appreciative that he refers to her virginity as a problem to be rectified. It’s her virginity, it’s up to her when to lose it.

K: Yeah that was kinda creepster. The only reason it didn’t totally bug me was that she was at least on board for the regular sex

B: Yeah that part at least I was cool with.

Closing Notes:

Follow us on twitter @aka_kody @BexlyP

If you want to follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs, follow the blog of @Jenny_Trout.

If you see abuse in 50shades, or want to understand what domestic violence survivors are talking about, @EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling are putting together a blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

You can also follow @50shadesabuse on twitter.

If you want just a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades), check out the blog of @itsjustahobby. *Not safe for work*