This post will cover Chapters 21-23, and then it’s the home stretch! “Am I excited?” you ask. Why yes, yes I am, as is Bug. This book is awful. Awful, awful, awful! Here, let me explain to you how awful this book is: no less than three chapters exist to create forced drama because a grown woman wants to go visit her mother, but her less-than-a-month boyfriend doesn’t want her to. Again I ask: “This is Romance?”

And then, he creep stalks her all the way across the country! I can’t even…

So the good news: the book is almost over. The bad news: there are two more books that are just as long, if not longer. *sigh*

But fear not, dear reader! As of right now, we are planning to carry this thing through to the bitter end. We will probably take at least a short break between books, because damn. But after we finish up 50shades of Theft, we will have 50shades Pilfered, and then 50shades Fleeced.

Previous NAME THAT NARRATOR!!! answers:
Quote 1:
And then we were whirling […] I laughed after a few minutes of effortless waltzing.
-Bella Swan, Twilight
Quote 2:
…whirling and turning in time to the music. And he makes it so effortless for me to follow. […] I can’t help my carefree laugh.
-Ana Steele, Fifty Shades of Grey

Chapter 21

Plagiarism Point (Yeah, I quit numbering them, because when it’s all said and done I plan to give you a total tally. It should be interesting.) He walks around his desk with his usual grace and stands in front of me. He smells so good; clean and freshly laundered, so Christian.

Okay, I feel like this dead horse has been beaten enough that we can call it straight up plagiarism. YES BELLAANA WE GET IT! EDWARDCHRISTIAN SMELLS WONDERFUL! Most of our men *don’t* smell so pleasant 24/7 so please just STFU already.

Random Note She could be in her late thirties, maybe in her forties. It’s so difficult to tell with older women.

You know, I don’t like that… I don’t like some little punk telling me that I’m within a decade of being an “older woman.” So, warning, I’m bout to go on an all-out rant here. FUCK YOU, YOU TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD BITCH, I HOPE YOU GET FUCKING WRINKLES, CROWS FEET, STRETCH MARKS, AND CELLULITE BY THE TIME YOU REACH YOUR THIRTIES YOU STUCK UP PIECE OF SHIT!

Ahem… moving on. There really might have been more plagiarism points in ch 21, but re-read above rant and then ask me how much strict attention I wanted to pay to the rest of this chapter.

Chapter 22

NAME THAT NARRATOR!!!

Quote 1:

You dazzle me so much I find it very difficult to think clearly when we’re together.

Quote 2:

What?

Plagiarism Point I miss the dry heat of Vegas sometimes, where I lived with Mom and Bob when I was seventeen, but this wet heat, even at 8:30 in the morning, takes some getting used to.

Really? I feel like ELJ was actually watching Twilight when she knocked this bit out. Isn’t that verbatim what Bella says about leaving Phoenix, AZ? “I would miss the dry heat.” Oh, and this: Phoenix is the city Bella lived in with her mother until she was seventeen, when she went to live with Charlie in Forks and Renee ended up moving to Florida.

Plagiarism Point I am in my blue halter neck tankini, sipping a Diet Coke, on a sun bed facing the Atlantic Ocean, and to think that only yesterday I was staring out at the Sound toward the Pacific. My mother lounges beside me in a ridiculously large floppy sun hat and Jackie O shades, sipping a Coke of her own.

So ELJ popped out Twilight and popped in Eclipse real quick because:

Look, I know the video is kind of jumpy, and I don’t know what their purpose was, but you see what I mean, yes?

Random Note I am so damned sick of the word mercurial popping up in every chapter of this book. 1. We get it. 2. Even if we didn’t get it, there’s this awesome thing called a thesaurus. Check it out.

Laughing My Ass Off Here She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all.

You can’t call your mom flighty because she’s on her fourth marriage, and later decide that she understands men because she’s on her fourth marriage. Silly me for expecting continuity in this crazy world of 50shades.

Plagiarism Point “He was so young, we both were. Maybe that was the issue.”

This is really a continuation of the fact that Ana’s parents are Renee and Charlie in disguise. Does everyone else remember why Bella’s parents didn’t stick together? If you didn’t know before, I’m sure you can guess now.

Chapter 23

Random Note How can I be angry with him in front of my mother?

Well, Ana, first you have to grow a back bone. So start working on that, kay? But seriously, it is okay to get mad at a loved one in front of another loved one. We’re humans, it happens. Unless you don’t actually love him, in which case it would totally make sense that you want to fake it to make it look good in front of your mom.

This fucking guy “I’ll have a gin and tonic,” Christian says. “Hendricks if you have it or Bombay Sapphire. Cucumber with the Hendricks, lime with the Bombay.” JUST ASK FOR A FUCKING GIN AND TONIC AND QUIT BEING A STUCK UP PRICK!

And then Christian drops his “older than his time” prim and proper speech and turns Canadian for a minute: ”Quite a coincidence, eh?” I’m still confused about that.

Random Note “My mother and I were shopping this morning and on the beach this afternoon. We decided on a few cocktails this evening,” I mutter, feeling that I owe him some sort of explanation.

You don’t owe him a damned thing. You are on vacation with your mom. He knows that you are on vacation with your mom. You don’t have to give him a rundown of every step you took during the day. You sure as hell don’t have to justify why you, a grown woman, are having a drink with your mother. Fuck him. He followed you across the country. He owe’s you an explanation.

Plagiarism Point I’ve never had a boyfriend, and Christian only qualifies as such for ease of reference …which is exactly the way Bella feels about calling Edward her boyfriend. But in Bella’s case, it’s because she thinks their feelings are stronger than boyfriend/girlfriend, as opposed to weaker in Ana’s case (flip!!).

Plagiarism Point All the private conversations must happen in restaurants!!!

Seriously, Bella and Edward had this infuriating habit of talking about strictly confidential things in restaurants and across the lunchroom table. But let’s be honest, they were kids. Edward was technically over a hundred, but according to Meyer’s canon he was developmentally frozen as a seventeen year old.

Grey is this control-freak, secret keeping, mega million dollar important figure. He would not be having these conversations so publicly. This is one of those moments where following the source material just does not work.

Plagiarism Point Oh my, his proximity, his delicious Christian smell.

Then ELJ starts throwing in the non-American speech again: “I’m going to have you in the bathroom,” and, “That’s a damned cheek, coming from you.” You know what? Just what-the fuck-ever.

And there’s the tampon scene, let’s not even…

Then Ana’s Inner Goddess has so much room up there in Ana’s head, the bitch be pole vaulting and shit!

Chapter 23 ends with Christian wanting to “show her something” in the morning and his eyes get all excited, and I could compare it to Edward’s excitement when he talks about showing Bella how fast he can run, but hell with it. I’m done. Peace out.

__________________________
Closing Notes:

Follow us on twitter @aka_kody @BexlyP

Other good follows:

@Jenny_Trout and her blog, Sweaters for Days, where you can follow the train wreck that is 50shades to its illogical conclusion without melting your eyeballs.

@EmmaTofi, @katjevanloon, and @Sageling and the Fifty Shades is Abuse Blogring with links to stories, articles, and other posts of interest.

@50shadesabuse

@itsjustahobby and the blog It’s Just a Hobby which she posts in tandem with her Dom, shows a regular, real world example of BDSM (not the misrepresentation of it as seen in 50shades). *Not safe for work*

The History of BDSM has put together The Curious Kinky Person’s Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey in which a person 20 years in the scene gives a rundown of how 50shades measures up.

The big-ass BDSM disclaimer that nobody bothers to read: THIS PART IS IMPORTANT!!! When Bug or I (or many of the people who comment on this blog) talk about abuse, domestic abuse, or domestic violence in regards to Fifty Shades of Grey, WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE BDSM ASPECTS. We have repeated this ad nauseum, yet still hear the “you just don’t understand BDSM” arguments. We aren’t talking about that. We are talking about Christian’s manipulation of Ana (emotional, mental, psychological, etc… examples are the “I’m fucked up, and you are the only one who can fix me” spiel), the way Christian assumes 24/7 control and overrides Ana’s choices and decisions (even though Ana agrees to being his sub ONLY on the weekends; this control continues even after Christian declares that they will have a “normal” relationship), Christian’s use of alcohol to coerce Ana’s consent, Christian’s habit of stalking Ana even when she asks him for personal space, the fact that Christian isolates Ana away from her friends, the way he punishes her (be it the initial spanking that she was arguably not okay with, or the honeymoon bruising to make her too ashamed to sunbathe, which she was clearly not okay with), and so many other things wrong with his treatment of her, but also this really important fact: SHE IS TERRIFIED OF HIM AND HIS REACTIONS, AND CENSORS HER OWN WORDS AND ACTIONS BECAUSE SHE IS SCARED SHITLESS OF WHAT HE WILL DO TO HER IF SHE ACCIDENTALLY MAKES HIM ANGRY. And if your argument is “we don’t know that she’s scared,” well stop right there, because in the text, in her incessant inner monologue, she says as much, many, many times.