So, this weekend Bug decided to watch Breaking Dawn Part 1. She couldn’t help but start texting me her random comments, observations, and complaints. Because that’s how we roll. At some point I decided to join in on the fun, and started watching along with her from my house. We never perfectly got our copies to sync up, but dammit it was close enough.

Unfortunately, Bug had to go on this journey completely sober, because she had to drive later. I may or may not have put down three glasses of wine during this endeavour…

B:So I’m on the previews for bd1. Do people actually watch the Step Up movies?

K:I hope not

B:Oh shit. Oglethorpe just saw a werewolf. This is going to be 2 hours of restraining him.

K:Damn

B:You know RPatz is handsome when he’s cleaned up but the makeup in these movies just ruins it.

K:Yeah he has waaaaaaayyy too much 5o’clock shadow for all the pasty makeup they slather on

B:And you can definitely tell when KStew was smoking in her trailer before shots.

K:Lulz

B:I like her nightmare dress better.

K:ikr!!!!!

B:Man, I like Charlie.

Ok. I am a baby at wedding scenes. And I’m supposed to start tomorrow. WTF self you know what happens.

K:I did tear up some the first time or two I saw it

Esp bc of Charlie

B:IKR? He’s so much like my dad.

K:That puppy dog face he makes at her

B:

K:lol

B:”Well I’m getting drunk.” I think my dad said the same thing, to the preacher.

Oh god these speeches are horribad. Did they really need to be added?

K:Emmett’s!!! Awesome!!

B:I SAW ALICE’S PANTIES

Thanks for announcing I plan to get railed really good on my honeymoon to everyone, Jake. I mean they expected, but nobody TALKS about it.

K:Lol, right!

B:HAI GUIZE BELLA’S GONNA GET FUXKED UNTIL SHE DIES FROM IT LULZ

What, no shoes or cans on the back of the car?

K:Yeah they suck

I feel like I should be watching this with you.

B:This bathroom scene is hilarious.

K:Pretty damned true though!

B:OMG she’s going to get in the ocean right after shaving her legs?

K:Derp

B:The only thing that’s good for is finding out you cut yourself EVERYWHERE

K:Although

She’s been dating a vamp for a while. She might have gotten skilled enough to get no nicks at all.

B:Girl better be using that veet shit

K:DAMMIT IM DEFENDING TWILIGHT AGAIN!!!

B:IKR?

I wonder if Bella has “a pleasant soreness.”

K:Cjieiejwjdkekre (*that’s me laughing so hard I can’t even text)

B:FUCK you, EL James.

K:Ppssssshhhh!!!!!!

B:I like this morning after/flashback montage.

Fucking defending Twilight again

K:Derp

B:Hey Erika. I’m just gonna drop your “I’m like JK Rowling” pen name because no you are not. But seriously, Erika. You know why Bella gets bruised up? Because her virgin vampire husband didn’t know his strength and got carried away when he had sex for the first time. Ana getting bruised up? That’s her husband being an asshole. I know subtlety is beyond you, but just try to wrap your head around this please?

K:Yeah, but she’s just a dumb ass

B:Man I’d be pissed too, girl.

K:Ikr

B:Ok I have to laugh at the lingerie modeling.

OMG can you imagine the swimsuit wedgie you’d e jumping on that waterfall?

K:There’s no way that top would have stayed on.

B:Oh honey I hope you took some Ben’s 100 or other “do not use if pregnant” concentration of DEET if you’re walking in that kind of jungle

SURPRISE ORANGE JUICE PLACEMENT

K:OMG THAT’S WHY ELJ KEEPS DOING IT!!

B:It’s in the fridge when Bella goes to make the chicken. The camera lingers on it for a good few seconds

K:I like this song though

B:Yeah me too. They do have a good soundtrack.

K:All of the soundtracks are pretty good. New moon not as much..

Activate mystical pregnancy detecting powers!

B:Lol

But how does Bella survive it?… (*in regards to Edward’s “getting that thing out of” her comment)

K:It’s like they’re doing the ride of shame here

Spoiler alert: I hate that Rosalie and Bella never have a “moment” later on..

B:I know, me too. It’s kind f like “thanks for helping me keep my baby, we cool with the whole I gave up mortality thing?”

K:Right! A fucking hug or something?! Damn.

..jasper has shit hair in this one.

B:It’s not like Carlisle ever did…

K:The hair is always crap in these movies! Except eclipse. That one got it right.

B:Wow she does look like a corpse.

K:Ya

B:So, yay right to choose!

Even though it’s kind of backwards…

K:Yeah, but it’s still “you can’t decide my best interest” at it’s most basic

B:But still, RESPECT HER CHOICE

K:Right!

B:Yup.

Not that I especially want to see it, but isn’t there a whole lot more throwing up?

K:”It’s like this miracle or something.”

What is it with the “or something” all the time!

B:JAKE ANGRY JAKE LEAVE

Good thing the dog is asleep though I suspect not for long

K:Lol

I don’t so much like this part.

The echoing voices shit messes with my head

B:Yeah this scene works better in the book

K:I mean, for a screen adaptation, it’s not bad

Just odd

B:All I can think about is this:

Go tell ’em, Jake/Dug!

K:He got some new clothes fast.

B:IKR?

K:I like the kid who plays Seth.

B:Yeah he is pretty cool.

K:Nod nod. Noddy nod nod

Lame!

B:You know, I actually really like Leah.

K:Me too

“We’ll make do” The look on Jasper’s face then!

B:OH LIKE MAKEUP DID WITH MY HAIR?!?!

K:Right!

I swear his hair looks like an unwashed libman mop

B:Carlisle’s hair looks like someone cut the hair off a life-sized Ken doll and stuck it on his head

K:LOL YEAH!!!

RPatz best acting ever here

B:Yeah I know. Damn.

K:Why couldn’t he be like that all along?

B:Because it’s more effort than this series requires.

GOOD GOD WOMAN

K:Right!!

B:Seriously she looks like a dying anorexic. Like that is realistic, scary cgi.

K:Someone at least hold her hair for her…

Yeah, they did a damned good job with that

Jasper: “what?!?”

B:You asshole you know that’s my favorite flavor

K:LOL RIGHT!!!

B:YOU HOLDING OUT ON ME MAN? DON’T HOLD OUT ON A BROTHER/SON LIKE THAT

K:Be ready for gross.

Ugh her teeth…

B:I know.

Straight cherry syrup, y’all

K:First time i saw that I almost puked

B:Sip the sizzurp

K:Poor Charlie.

B:I know.

First year is the hardest. Yup. My husband got laid off, we moved across the the country into my inlaws’ basement

K:Yeah that could be kinda hard.

I love how they are under threat of attack and just leave the fucking door wide open

B:Because love will protect us

K:*barf*

B:I honestly can’t tell if Jacob was being sarcastic

K:I hate the night scenes in this one. They didn’t have the light filter right. I can’t see shit

B:So is the moon always full in the PACNW?

K:Must be.

Sometimes I want to move there bc no tornadoes. But it gets fucking cold there

B:Yeah snow. Nope nope nope

K:Ick

B:Dicks!

K:Emmett’s my second fave

Just throwing that out there..

B:Yeah but again the horrible makeup

K:Ugh yeah..

Dat belly.

B:Good god how many pillows she got up under there?

K:”Bellar”!! British slip!

B:Yeah that deserves mockery.

K:Bellar Bellar

B:[Renesmee] Ain’t unique anymore thanks to twihards

K:..ouchies

B:That part where she “twists” and everything starts? Yeah I’m pretty sure it looked like her back went parallel to the floor, like she broke.

Oh wait, didn’t the kid kick her spine?

K:Yeah. In the book at some point she kicks her backbone in half

Paralyzed Bella from waist down

B:Yeah I remember now, jake talks about her legs being at weird angles

K:He said “whilst”

B:This is kinda gross

K:Oh it gets better

*worse

B:Hey asshole get back here with that venom

K:um your wife is dying

B:Yes I realize baby is beautiful but come on

K:

B:Damn she a ghost

K:Damn stick legs

Guh, all that fake blood in Pattinson’s major arm hair….

B:The fake amniotic sac all over his shirt…

K:Bite. Bite. Bite. WHOOO venom!!!

B:OMINOUS SHADOW

K:Ben just walked by and said all high pitched “imprint, whoa!!!”

B:Fight, drama, yay

K:Whoo!

B:Kick his ass, Esme!

K:I do like that about the movies. They put the fights in where the book was like, ehhhh

Fuck Emmett!!

Punched a werewolf like what!!

B:I can climb bitches

K:Lol. Jasper punched one and it wasn’t quite as impressive 😦

B:Hold up vamps I got dis

K:*growly growly*

B:It’s their most absolute rule. Like the rest of the Cullens honestly didn’t know this?

K:”Sup dad?”

B:I hope she fleshes back out. You can’t just run around for eternity looking like that. People will guess your shit.

K:Just to go ahead and tell you this, my fave part of bd2 is the end credits. Not as a joke against that movie, they were just so beautifully done.

*pop*

B:I like how she goes from eyes sunk back in her skull to perfect golden eyeshadow.

Whoa young Charlie.

K:Yeah!!!!!

B:Dude WTF just happened

K:?

B:Everyone starts staring each other down

K:Lol, her heart stopped beating

B:Oh. Derp.

K:Derp.

B:Man these credits suck.

K:Ikr

They make up for it with the second one

Okay I lied. Jasper is my second fave and Emmett is third fave.

My favorite is Felix

Lol, stilettos on cobblestone? I think not.

B:Or across a grate? Bitch please

It doesn’t help that Aro’s collar is up to his damn ears

If you’re one of the most powerful vampires on earth get a damn tailor

K:Alright, I’m done with this movie..

B:Dude I checked to see what the special features were. It’s director commentary. Director’s last name is Condon, which I misread as condom so when I saw on/off I was like OH HO HO WHAT HAVE WE HERE

K:WOW!

B:Not a pervert…