It has been a couple of years since I read any of this stuff, but fuck it! I’m not re-reading the previous book or chapters. It’s time to just dive right in (hah! book one horrible anal sex reference FTW!) with Chapter 3.

If you are new here, HI! In this blog series I am going through EL James’s Fifty Shades books and pointing out every point of plagiarism off of Twilight. (I know that it was once Master of the Universe, aka Twilight fapfiction.) I started doing this because I had so many people tell me, “Oh, this book has nothing to do with Twilight! There are no vampires or werewolves in it at all!”

Immediately the chapter starts with Ana being flustered by a basic compliment. Now, we later learn (spoilers?) that Jack Hyde is a horrible fucking creeper with a penchant for sexually harassing his assistants, but at this point, his line of “Good morning, Ana. You look . . . radiant,” doesn’t seem quite as inappropriate as Ana claims, when she just described how happy and smiling she was as she walked in to work. But Bella can’t handle compliments, so neither can Ana.

Then there is a lot more of the email-as-filler bullshit, in which CG obsesses over what she eats and how much, and when, and where….. He’s pulling an Edward, as usual.

She eats lunch, considers Edw-CG’s eclectic taste in music, then there is more email. At least in Twilight, the emails between Bella and Renee were few and far between. Here it is just brutal.

The only thing to note for the next page or so is that Jack Hyde uses “cool” in conversation. That doesn’t seem like a thing that would happen. …that should happen. BURN THE WHOLE THING DOWN NOW. (Please?) Then Ana meets the former sub, whose name I can’t remember now that it’s been so long. Leela? Layla? Leah? Whatever.

Christian again saves Ana from unwelcome advances at a bar, but this time it was from Jack, not Jose. (Dios mio!) Then this line: When will I stop caring about the effect he has on other women? Never, Ana, you will never stop! You will always be 110% aware of how attracted every other female is to CG, so once again, you are Bella.

Shit, I forgot that the inner goddess actually has lines! No wonder it has taken me so long to get back to this…

Then, in more cross-characterization between CG and Edward, the “I need to know that you are safe” trope is used once again to excuse any and all controlling and stalkerish behavior on the part of our leading man. In case you haven’t read this one, CG wanted Ana to work for him, but she took a position at another company so that she could have a career of her own. So CG went behind her back and bought the company where she just took a job.

A little further on, and CG moves in to smell her hair, which is straight up Edward. But right before that, Ana has a “bitter thought” about the fact that she was never a cheerleader. This didn’t strike me as odd the first time around, but what the hell? She’s in the middle of an argument with her controlling lover about the fact that he just bought a company to “keep her safe,” and we take a quick second to lament the fact that she was never a cheerleader…?

A section break later, and Ana is letting Christian into her apartment whilst in her head she calls him a stalker. But of course two paragraphs in and she’s describing just how much she is totally in love with him.

After some semi-seduction delayed gratification crap, they go shopping, because there is no food in the place, but Chedward has to make sure that Ana eats. Cut to the grocery store, where CG is super out of place and can’t remember the last time he was even in a grocery store.

GUYS, HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS CHAPTER???

Also, raise your hand if you’re surprised that Ana is a good cook.

Suddenly: “Put the chicken in the fridge.” This is not a sentence I had ever expected to hear from Christian Grey. Yeah… me neither. But then they are off to have sex, and I remember that this is the erotic novel that calls your lady bits “down there.” Also, I realize that Christian having a penis is never actually established, at least not that I noticed. It’s just “he springs free,” “he rolls the condom on,” and “he sinks into me.”

Then she explodes(not really though, dammit), he collapses, and the chapter ends. Hurray!

Chapter Three retroactively counted plagiarism points: 9.

All book quotes are from Fifty Shades Darker by EL James unless otherwise noted.