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Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn: Oh shit, the skeletons just got out. Your insurance probably won’t cover this. It looks to be a tough week, financially.

Aquarius, Gemini, Libra: Your significant other tries to follow you to your weekly meeting, but trips on a book and causes the cauldron to tip over. Someone panics and turns your significant other into a cat.

Pisces, Cancer, Scorpio: The ebb and flow… the ebb and flow… that’s right, just relax and- uh… hang on a second.

Aries, Leo, Sagittarius: No, seriously, don’t do that. Stop! Oh, for the love of God…