I wanted to go ahead and get this out there because it’s in my head right now. I realize that the tone of my posts this week have been fairly bright and positive (except for the withdrawal shakes and the sinus plague). So you might be wondering, why then, was I even on medication. Well, severe depression, anxiety disorders, etc…
I’m coming back to myself, the me that I know best, but it’s not all unicorn farts and rainbows. One of the best words to describe my default mental state is “frenetic.” Even when I’m functioning at my best, there’s always SO MUCH MORE that I want to get out there.
Sometimes it literally drives me to the brink of insanity. Then the meds come in and I’m calmer, more focused. But after some time I start to feel weighed down. It turns to apathy. I go from being able to focus on one thing at a time to not giving enough of a shit to even work on anything.
Over and over this happens. I’m so tired of it.
And I can’t lie, there are some aspects of my unmedicated self that I LOVE. A thousand ideas at a time; energy, seemingly boundless energy even though I have chronic pain*; being able to experience real joy (which rarely happens on anti-depressants). I may seem a bit unhinged at times, but that’s the me that I love.
Yes, I might have random crying fits, and sometimes the panic attacks absolutely suck. But in the process of “fixing” that, I put myself into a fog of not even giving a damn.
So I might be in this weird cycle of being “slightly less than insane” (hence the name), but at least I feel like I’m actually here.
(*that’s a catch 22 I’m going to cover in my SSRI pros vs. cons)