Just another disclaimer about this whole thing:
We are not saying BDSM is abuse. We are talking about the way he treats her in general.
Also: BDSM existed long before Fifty Shades of Grey, and just because this book is making it a more mainstream idea, that doesn’t mean that it got any of it right.
akaKody 
You so should not have to be saying this, no where do you attack BDSM whereas i have yet to meet a kinkster who does not believe the book is at best a travesty, and at worst dangerous
There’ve already been cases of people being hurt by acting out what they think is BDSM using FSoG. Sure, some people say it’s just a book, not a manual, but it’s included as part of the official FSoG sex kits and passed off as a manual. In the UK one such case resulted in no conviction because the judge determines the woman knew EXACTLY what she was getting into and that she “should have” used the safe word. BUt there is a problem – someone can be hurt beyond being able to think about the safe word, which is why a Dom needs to know when to stop without it.
Thing is, I’m not so sure I disagree with the lack of conviction when you stop and think about how even people in positions of influence are lauding these books with no disclaimers, helping lead naive readers into thinking that it’s all right to behave as in the book and that it is correct BDSM. I do not think that man was intentionally hurtful, and I believe both thought that they were doing it right BECAUSE SOCIETY IS SAYING THAT THIS IS RIGHT. How do you properly prosecute when both perp and vic were so misled into thinking they were don right?
How long before the pendulum swings so far in the other direction that people want BDSM outlawed? Will women have to die?
This stuff is problematic because uninformed people are “consenting” to things that they don’t understand. Kind of like Ana. And they think they will get the same “happy ending;” instead they end up getting injured, but with no legal recourse because they consented. Again, to activities that they did not fully understand.
And it’s also a problem because its blurring the line between:
“I didn’t know/didn’t want it to be like this and I got hurt” (people who think it’s just a game and are using 50shades as a guide)
and “I agreed to this, things got out of hand and I got hurt, but I’m not upset and don’t regret that it happened.” (a real possibility in a BDSM scenario)
I have a hard time seeing uninformed consent as true consent, but I don’t know how we could always treat it as non-consent, especially in situations where people choose not to pursue more information. Our society on a large scale is treating these books as manuals, which I think is misleading a lot of people into thinking there is nothing more they need to learn. It’s unintentionally ignorant uninformed consent versus willingly uninformed consent.
Beautiful Bastard, “the next big thing” (and yes, another fanfic), has this wonderful little choking scene from Bennett’s POV and he’s choking Chloe, glad for the noise that prevented anyone else from hearing. Now I know people into choke play, and they’ve said it’s important to be able to see and hear to make sure you don’t accidentally kill someone and can still see their signal to stop. That won’t happen in a dark, loud place. I’m wondering how long it’ll be before someone is killed or nearly killed trying to act out scenes from the new book women are loving.
Most of what Christian does doesn’t qualify as BDSM. BDSM is NOT taking control of someone who is not willing by means of coercion, trickery, manipulation or ignoring when she says NO outside of a BDSM setting. These are things Christian does.
BDSM requires a complete willingness from both parties. How often do we see this from Ana? Rarely. At times she says NO (remember she NEVER agreed to be his 24/7/365 sub), and he ignores her and has his way anyway. Just because she ended up enjoying it doesn’t mean it’s not rape. At other times, she feels she must to keep him from being angry with her or because she otherwise feared what might happen.
Further, BDSM required a Dom to be self-disciplined enough to tell when a sub is in over her (or his, but in this case, we’re talking M/f) head and to stop. If any pain has been caused that neither called a stop to, the Dom needs to provide aftercare, not leave her a hyperventilating mess on the floor. A good Dom will NEVER take advantage of someone who doesn’t truly understand and is naive and obviously hesitant, and no good Dom will EVER go without a safe word, no matter how much love and trust there is.
No, these books do not portray true BDSM. They portray a sexually frustrated housewife’s idea of what it might be like after doing some cursory research on the internet. The sex in these books is abuse and even outright assault and rape we’re supposed to believe is BDSM. Perhaps worse is Doms are made out to be people with mental issues (Christian) or who are child abusers (what’s-her-face, the Mrs. Robinson lady). Unfortunately many people now think they know what BDSM is because of these books and no longer seem able to identify the signs of someone who feels forced to participate, or even is physically forced.
I’m tempted to start a blog detailing each act of supposed BDSM and sex in these books and to compare them to reality with the assistance of various Doms and subs who are currently participate in the practice. I’ve been out of the loop for a handful of years now, but still experienced and remember enough. However a consensus between multiple people would give a better view.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that *all* of the sex in these books is abusive; there are examples where she is willing, such as their first time. That being said, he does quite often use sex in order to distract her, coerce her agreement in other things, or generally stop her from expressing her own opinions. Over and over and over… That is as problematic as him getting her drunk to gain her consent.
I didn’t say all of it was either. Just most. Most of the time she gives in because she doesn’t feel she has any choice (because he’s manipulating her) or he ignores her saying no. I can only think of a few times she willingly consents. Sad that that should be a redundant phrase, but that we have to differentiate between willingly saying yes and saying yes because you have been backed into a corner.
My heart just about broke when she asked at one point if he was getting her drunk so what he did wouldn’t hurt as much. What a honeymoon.
I would read that blog Alys! Seems like you really enjoy talking about how ridiculous these books are (I see your comments on Jenny Trout’s blog all the time too) and seem very educated about BDSM, I’d love to hear exactly how the sex acts go wrong, and what it would be like in a real BDSM relationship. And hopefully anyone interested in trying BDSM for themselves because of and based on fsog (no, I’m not going to capitalize that initialism, it doesn’t deserve it) will read it too!
http://www.historyofbdsm.com/category/curious-kinky-persons-guide-to-fifty-shades-of-grey/
Here is a link where somebody did compare bdsm to fsog. Very interesting perspective.
This point is big enough to warrant its own comment.
Take out every sex act in the entire book. Read it that way and tell me if he’s treating her well. I want someone who thinks he’s the ideal man to read a sex-act-free version and to still defend his actions. I suspect some people are sexually frustrated enough to take it in the form in the book (but willingly, unlike Ana), and so overlook how he controls her every move and breathe otherwise. If readers only saw the outside-the-bedroom activities, perhaps more would see Christian for what he really is.
Psssst. Gotta secret. Check this out. http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17394838-the-submissive
A few other sources have backed up FSoG taking from this fanfic as well. So Twilight plus Submissive = FSoG